Fear

- Earth [pondering]. 20/05/2012 
Do you want to know what I fear most when it comes to activity? I may have listed soccer, but it is retrospection that can make me tremble the most. Past life. Before writing this entry, I was thoroughly looking back at the pictures I saved in my Satio. Some made me want to cry, while some others: they're simply horryfing.
Why?? Because when I positioned myself into the time frame of a particular picture, I could see what I want to be, meaning, in the present sense; what I should have become. But nonetheless, expectation is merely a chocolate to the heart. It gives sweetness that lasts short. For the rest of the time, I miss it.
By fear I mean, based on the explained scenario, I don't have the power to really set the future. I'm afraid that what I have dreamt of and what my family has hoped for me to be. will never be. I don't know. That feeling when you couldn't think of any escape but to... 
...taking knife or cleaver and cut your throat. The kind of <mis>deed people always do when there is no way out. But hell no: I'm not going to do that, for I believe permanent act won't solve temporary problems. Rationalization saved me from such barbaric notion.
But then, how? How am I going to get through these hardships that have been tormenting me for so long? If there's no other way but death, provide me with one. A resolution that'll solve this unsettling feeling, not just suggestions.
Ah, philosophy works in a weird way. One day my mom chatted with me, saying:
"Why you regret the decision to be a teacher?" 
I couldn't hold my feeling, my utter sadness. This is what she wants me to be. And Sven, you want to destroy her dream? It took me a day resolving my inner conflict between History/Philosophy and Teaching/Education. I really want to be in the formers, seriously. But I can't simply shatter my mom's heart.  
Religious philosophy got me: well, mother is important, personal aspiration is important, therefore both are; so why don't you be both? There's no harm for this teacher to delve deeper into his obsessions once he managed to achieve his mother's dream, is there?

Looking back into the past, I questioned myself: would I be here without her?

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