- IPG Teknik, Kuala Lumpur [postponed]. 29/03/2012
Somehow, I feel so detached from others, even myself. Sometimes, I feel as if I know nothing about myself. That mixture of estranged and aghast feeling towards my rebellious heart has always gone to irregular, bad notion. I couldn't get away from internalizing what people say about me, more than I'm enjoying it. I often feel that sense of alienation to be rather menacing. To both me and others. Inside and out.
Life's boring, most of the time. You wake up, grab a bite of your breakfast, study and revising, presenting things in class, joking about good teenage stuff and whatnot. Though varied across days, the idea of a 'perfect routine' is pretty much common and less gripping. At times and places I thought, "I wonder if dying is exciting,". That's what my mind always tells me: instead of living in the immersion of others vilifying words, why don't you stop living? Kill yourself?
But that diabolic thought will almost instantaneously vaporise into thin air, as I look around. These people I love-if I were to be gone-who'd nurse them? I take my neck back out of the noose, get off the stool and pray. Pray that should I kill myself one day, He'd take a very good care of them. And I know God loves me. Maybe I should start to learn to love myself.